by Andrew S. Williams
illustration by Darryl Knickrehm © 2013

From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Alexa Kinston <lexy_n_mrfluff@yahoogle.com>

Subject: RE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MR. FLUFFLES!?

Hello Ms. Kinston,

Thank you for contacting Quasarion Technical Support. We are sorry to hear about your difficulties with the X-7000 Home Teleportation System, and send our condolences for the loss of your beloved Mr. Fluffles. We urge you to take comfort in the fact that Mr. Fluffles is still very much with you, in sum if not in whole.

In the technical warnings, we clearly state that the X-7000 Home Teleportation System is rated for transport of only one Class III or higher organism at a time. Please refer to page 6 of your User Manual for details. While we can screen out Class IIs and below to avoid the unfortunate "Brundleflies" that were so widely publicized during beta testing, the "One Mammal at a Time" rule still applies, even for purse dogs such as the late Mr. Fluffles.

Unfortunately, failure to heed the warnings in the X-7000 Home Teleportation System User Manual voids the lifetime warranty and absolves Quasarion Systems of all legal liability for use of the product. We appreciate your business, and wish you the best of luck in overcoming this unfortunate tragedy.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Zak McFrampen <frampstamp@mailmart.com>

Subject: RE: I have an evil twin!

Hello Mr. McFrampen,

Thank you for contacting Quasarion Technical Support. We are sorry to hear about your difficulties with the X-7000 Home Teleportation System. Unfortunately, the "Evil Twin" phenomenon is an unavoidable risk with any sort of quantum teleportation, even in our competitors' products such as the iPort and WinGoes.

Would you please refer to the "History" screen and send us any error codes listed there so we can determine the status of your X-7000? In the meantime, we recommend that you cancel your credit cards and change the locks on any critical properties or vehicles you may own. Identity theft is the most common side effect of Evil Twins, followed by personal injury, emotional trauma, frequent migraines, violent death, and sexual dysfunction. If you experience any of these symptoms please contact your primary care physician immediately.

Also, until this issue is resolved, we recommend you keep your facial hair closely shaved and do not, under any circumstances, grow a goatee.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: David Hasenpfeffer <bunsandguns@findamatch.com>

Subject: RE: Ow, My Ass!

Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,

Thank you for contacting Quasarion Technical Support. We are sorry to hear about your difficulties with the X-7000 Home Teleportation System, however, as of Firmware Upgrade 7.8.1 the removal and/or disintegration of vestigial body parts during teleportation is now classified as a feature, not a bug.

The location of your former tailbone at the base of your spine will likely be sore for several days, however, rest assured that once you are fully healed you will be immune from any tailbone-related injuries, fractures, or mishaps for the rest of your natural life. This is just one of many extra benefits you can expect to receive from using the Quasarion X-7000 Home Teleportation System.

Don't hesitate to let us know if we can be of any further assistance.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Alexa Kinston <lexy_n_mrfluff@yahoogle.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MR. FLUFFLES!?

Hello Ms. Kinston,

Unfortunately, the growth of canine "whiskers" is an unavoidable side effect of the recent assimilation of Mr. Fluffles' genes into your own. However, once the growth stabilizes, electrolysis or regular shaving should take care of the problem handily. The tail is more permanent, but any tailor should be able to alter your wardrobe to compensate for minimal cost.

The unusual dietary cravings pose a different sort of challenge. I am enclosing a coupon for a free one-month supply of Milkbones, to aid in that regard. In addition to reducing the desire for less palatable comestibles, they will also aid with canine halitosis, should you find yourself so afflicted.

Note that the Milkbones are provided as a voluntary part of our first-rate customer service and do not, in any way, imply or indicate legal or financial culpability on the part of Quasarion Systems in regard to the recent incident.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Zak McFrampen <frampstamp@mailmart.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: I have an evil twin!

Hello Mr. McFrampen,

Due to the reality-bending nature of teleports, the appearance of evil twins, doppelgangers, and/or clones is always a risk. The "Evil Twin" scenario is most often caused by a misalignment in the Karma Polarization Unit, and this is confirmed by the error you included in your last message.

I can dispatch a technician to your house to fix your X-7000; however, the soonest available appointment is next Tuesday between the hours of 10 am and 4 pm. Please confirm that you and/or Evil Zak McFrampen will be home at that time and I can go ahead and schedule the appointment.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Patricia Lipnik <plipnik@aol.com>

Subject: RE: Honey, the screen doesn't light up.

Mom, I told you not to e-mail me through work. Did you make sure it's plugged in?

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: David Hasenpfeffer <bunsandguns@findamatch.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Ow, My Ass!

Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,

I can assure you that the incident will not affect the outward appearance of your backside in any way, and that if your backside was, as you put it, "smokin' hot," it undoubtedly continues to smoke at the present time.

This unplanned coccygectomy may seem like a hassle, but I assure you that such changes are often positive. I have another customer currently dealing with similar issues, and despite her initial misgivings, you might say she's now practically wagging her tail in delight.

So remember, it's all in how you look at it! We thank you for choosing Quasarion, the number one choice for home teleportation and vestigial organ excision, dating all the way back to Firmware Update 7.8.1.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Alexa Kinston <lexy_n_mrfluff@yahoogle.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MR. FLUFFLES!?

Hello Ms. Kinston,

Refunds and returns due to warranty violations are not possible, at least not directly through Quasarion. You may wish to contact your local authorized retailer to determine if their individual policy differs.

In regards to your other question: as you adapt to your new genes, you may find that your recent accident, while unfortunate, nevertheless confers certain advantages. For example, the enhanced odors you notice are likely a result of your modified olfactory glands, courtesy of the dear departed Mr. Fluffles. Please note that despite your improved sense of smell, we recommend that you avoid canine greeting rituals and continue to utilize standard human greeting customs.

Also, you mentioned encountering a man who smelt like "burnt lightning and tasty sausages." That aroma is often a side effect of an encounter with teleportation anomalies and/or undocumented features in the X-7000 Home Teleportation System. Did you happen to notice if that man was sporting a goatee?

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Zak McFrampen <frampstamp@mailmart.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I have an evil twin!

Hello Mr. McFrampen,

I apologize if you are in any way dissatisfied with the support you have received from us at Quasarion Technical Support. Unfortunately, all our technicians are booked until Tuesday. While we appreciate the urgency of your situation, we caution against attempting to resolve the situation yourself. Most jurisdictions continue to frown on the vigilante-style eradication of teleport-spawned karmic anomalies.

Your X-7000 technician will be escorted by a Swift Hyper-Anomaly Response Team on arrival next Tuesday, and they will be fully equipped to help you dispose of your evil twin in a safe and legal manner. Since your evil twin has disappeared for now, I advise just staying put, and following the steps mentioned in my previous e-mail to avoid side effects and/or mistaken identity. You can also refer to page 485 of your User Manual for details. Thanks for your patience, and we apologize for the inconvenience.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Miles Parsons, Ops Director <miles.parsons@quasarion.com>

Subject: Ticket #15804-28595: McFrampen, Zak

Hi Miles,

I'd like to escalate the following support case (Zak McFrampen, Ticket #15804-28595), as I suspect he will need S.H.A.R.T. cleanup somewhat earlier than next Tuesday. His situation may or may not warrant a Code 2-B. Please advise ASAP.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Patricia Lipnik <plipnik@aol.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Honey, the screen doesn't light up.

Mom, I didn't mean to be patronizing. It's just been a busy day. Why don't you wait until Lana gets home from school and she can take a look at your X-8000 herself?

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: David Hasenpfeffer <bunsandguns@findamatch.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Ow, My Ass!

Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't give you that customer's contact information, nor do I know if she has an account on findamatch.com. I'm afraid such questions verge well outside of the services provided by Quasarion Support.

I also strongly urge you not to conduct a teleport with your own Class III pet in an attempt to restore your missing tailbone. I can state without reservation that such an action will void the X-7000's lifetime warranty and absolve Quasarion of any liability related to use of the X-7000.

Besides, I just gave away my last Milkbone coupon.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Garrin Lipnik <garrin@techgod97.net>

To: Zacharias McFrampen <zacharias@eviltwinsarepeopletoo.org>

Subject: RE: Well, hello there, Garrin.

Dear Mr. McFrampen,

How did you get my personal e-mail address? Please note that the use of personal information to contact Quasarion staff is specifically disallowed in the Quasarion End User License Agreement, as per Article VI, Section X, Paragraph LXI. Violation of this clause may void your extended service contract.

Moreover, please be aware that our service contract is specifically with the "good" Zak McFrampen, and I'm afraid that agreement to provide service does not extend to any evil clones created as a side effect of X-7000 technology. However, if you purchase an X-7000 of your own (or the brand new X-8000), you'll be eligible for a world-class support contract of your own. I'd be happy to help you set that up or connect you with our sales department.

Your Friend,

Garrin



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Alexa Kinston <lexy_n_mrfluff@yahoogle.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MR. FLUFFLES!?

Hello Ms. Kinston,

I apologize for the inconvenience you've experienced, but as tempting as it may be to join forces with Electric Sausage Man, I must caution you against it. As an Evil Twin, he carries a high risk of nefarious behavior patterns and/or supervillainy. Becoming his sidekick is liable to lead to headaches that, frankly, make your problems with the X-7000 seem like a walk in the park.

I strongly encourage you to overcome those newfound canine instincts; just because his aroma carries a whiff of meat, does not necessarily mean that he is wielding treats! Please see Appendix C of your User Manual for full details on interacting with Evil Twins.

By the way, did he happen to say where he was going?

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Garrin Lipnik <garrin@techgod97.net>

To: Zacharias McFrampen <zacharias@eviltwinsarepeopletoo.org>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Well, hello there, Garrin.

Dear Mr. McFrampen,

I apologize if it seems that life has dealt you a poor hand. While I applaud your sense of activism in regard to the plight of Evil Twins everywhere, I must warn that you will not accomplish anything by toying with the families of Quasarion Support staff, no matter what dastardly plan you might concoct.

So as much as you may want to pursue a villainous career as "Electric Sausage Man," I encourage you to channel your ambitions elsewhere. If you persist however, then know this: as a sworn member of Quasarion Support, I am fully qualified to terminate anomalous karmic beings such as yourself-- personally.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Patricia Lipnik <plipnik@aol.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Honey, the screen doesn't light up.

Hey Mom, I'm glad to hear Lana was able to fix the X-8000 by installing that update I sent, because I'm probably not gonna be able to make it tonight. As much as I'd love to 'port home for some chocolate chip cookies, it's kind of been one of those Mondays.

Speaking of work-- a customer got hold of my personal info. I was hoping my manager would be able to unleash a S.H.A.R.T, but he seems to be rather backed up right now, which means I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands.

So if anyone with a faint "electric" or "breakfast meat" smell happens to drop by the house, give him a cookie or two as a special Quasarion thank you, and tell him to use the "Location History" function on the X-8000 to come right to my office. I'll sort things out with him here.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: David Hasenpfeffer <bunsandguns@findamatch.com>

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Ow, My Ass!

Hello Mr. Hasenpfeffer,

Remember how I said I couldn't give you my other customer's contact information? This is still the case, however, after further consideration, Quasarion Systems is arranging a special "party" for you, her, and a few other customers who've had difficulty with the X-7000. Consider it our way of saying "thank you" for choosing Quasarion, and to apologize for your recent troubles.

Unfortunately, not everyone at the party might be as understanding, and did I mention awesome, as you. So don't be deterred from the woman we are sure will complete your missing half. While she may arrive with someone else, I'm confident you can win her attention by offering her a cookie or two, and a good scratch behind the ears might be all that's needed to win her over. Dogged persistence often wins the day!

I've attached a file which, if you load into your X-7000, will take you to where you need to be. You'll need to hurry, though; the party starts in an hour!

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Quasarion Systems <support@quasarion.com>

To: Alexa Kinston <lexy_n_mrfluff@yahoogle.com>

Subject: RE: FIRST MR. FLUFFLES, AND NOW ELECTRIC SAUSAGE MAN!?

Hello Ms. Kinston,

I apologize that the party was not quite the tail wagging time you were hoping for. However, Evil Mr. McFrampen should have known better than to use an employee teleporter. As an Evil Twin, he represents the sort of negative customer experience that we work to eliminate, and in this case, his mistakes resulted in his dissipation .

We are absolutely delighted, however, that you've found a new companion in Mr. Hasenpfeffer. We at Quasarion strive to provide the most comprehensive service possible for all our customers, and we wish you two the best of luck and continued puppy love.

Best Regards,

Garrin Lipnik

Quasarion Systems



From: Garrin Lipnik <garrin@techgod97.net>

To: Patricia Lipnik <plipnik@aol.com>

Subject: RE: Those folks ate all your cookies, Honey.

Hi Mom,

I'm sorry about all the chaos at the house today . But thanks to you and your cookies, I was able to close three cases at once! And please pass my thanks to Lana, as well. She installed that 'special update' perfectly; it took care of Mr. McFrampen just like I'd hoped.

With work sorted out, it looks like I'll be able to make it home tonight after all. Would you mind whipping up another batch of those chocolate chip cookies? It's been kind of a rough day.

Love,

Garrin





© 2013 Andrew S. Williams

Andrew S. Williams is a writer living in Seattle. Until now, working in I.T. has paid the bills, but his day job started to resemble Garrin's a little too much, so he recently quit to pursue his own projects full-time. You can read the non-fiction story of his progress (and find more of his fiction, too) at http://offthewrittenpath.com.




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